I feel alone now, for all the beautiful and wonderful things people say about me, I feel alone.
If you know me you know how unhappy I am at my school. I’m taking a class now on YA literature, and I’m supposed to be writing a Reflection. I can’t. Not really.
I read YA book for class, and I”m supposed to talk about personal connections, but I don’t trust my teacher. She is going to grade me on how deep I connect right, or how personal. She will want to know how much it hurt to keep reading. How much I just want to cry thinking back on my experience with hard times. How can I trust her to not push away my feelings and only grade on grammar, and content as if a checklist. Doesn’t that just encourage me to lie to her, just to have her check off the correct elements and move on.
I hate telling general people what happened to me, because then people feel sorry for me. In many ways I want so much to be a child again. To relive life, and make new choices. In my undergrad my professors genuinely cared about me, and thus I could open up to them. They helped me move on, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, it just means I have my own way of dealing with it.(Working to have a safe place for teens to be accepted) I can’t fit that into two double spaced pages. It seems so artificial, so fake.
My school says one ideal, then turns around and in practice does something different. Many days I feel like I’m all the way back in high school again fighting against the walls that try to hold me in. My escape has always been writing, but I can’t bring myself to do that right now, I feel too much pain some days, that I have to just keep moving on. Sometimes I think that Grad school is what’s wrong. I’m not cut out to be at this level yet. In someways that’s right. I do have no command for grammar, and struggle with hypocrites. The workload is heavy, but I have always taken on a lot. It keeps me from dealing with the problems. Only I was never asked to be personal before. In fact here I get counted off for being too personal/informal.
I know have people who tell me all the time that I’m great, and a valuable assist to their projects. I have friends who worry about me, and want me to make sure I don’t burnout. Everyone outside of school praises me, and inside I feel like every step I take is wrong. Half of me wants to lie to them to get it over with and move one, while the other half wants to believe things can be different.
I want to trust this teacher, to allow wounds to be open without fear she is going to make them worse. Why is there no room in grading scales for kids who have suffered emotional stress? Why are teachers so blind most of the time to the lives of their students? They want to think that students show up for class and automatically will find no problems with an assignment that is asked. I guess on one side its right, treat all students equally. Don’t bend the rules for anyone. That is why there is rules. But what about compassion? Wouldn’t it at least make the student’s problems easier if they had someone who did care?
One day I will write a book about my life. I promised myself I would, but the more people admire me, the more nervous I get. I don’t want to people to say things about me or about my past. I don’t want my ideas to be set aside because people can’t get past who I am. It has taken years for me to think positively about myself, and I still can’t handle being boxed in by other peoples rules, no matter how fair. I guess I won’t fit in at many libraries 
.
People ask me where I want to work, and well my answer will always be, where I am supported and encouraged. Right now I am on my own. Everything I say and do are on my guidelines and part of me is nervous about this, because there are NO guidelines, and no one I know to tell me I’m on the wrong track, or saying the wrong thing before I do something stupid.
Somehow this makes me feel better to write here. I know how a teen feels that doesn’t have anywhere else to put their thoughts. In someways its nice writing here, because I know some people can read it, and if a future employer does find this post, then they may understand me better. I’m tired of living in fear I’m doing something wrong. I hope that feeling ends when I graduate in December.
